A world with out us

I went to go see superman returns tonight.  Great movie let me say that first, but it got me thinking.  If you were gone for years would your personal world, friends; co-workers, etc, move on?  When and if you came back would they want you in there lives?  What things have gone un-said for so long, things that people or you for that matter wanted to do that went un-done would we regret?

I would like to think that if I were removed from my own world that people would never forget me, that ive touched they’re lives in ways that with out me they would know what to do, but would subconsciously look for me to fill the void first before they moved.  That maybe a little, I really don’t know what the word is, but I would hope that it would still be true.  What things have I left unsaid, would they still be relevant after years removed from the lives of people that I held most dear?  Can a person look into the eyes of that one special person and say, “ I always wanted to tell you that I love you” and have it carry as much weight as it would years before?

When we hear of tragedy now, and are helpless to prevent it we feel sorrow regret at some points helplessness at our inability to make things better.  Wouldn’t this magnified with time removed?  Do things change with time apart?  It’s said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but is that really true?  If a person is gone from ones life does that really make that person want to be with you even more?  We, obviously, have lives of our own.  We grow along side those of us whom encompass our worlds, we at some points even grow because of them, how different would they be if we leave and then come back?

When I was younger, I thought I wanted something more than anything, and time and time again I bore witness to it being taken from me.  I know now that these thoughts were from the mind of a confused person who mistook one thing for another, but now I find myself mentally reaching out to that person wanting to have a sympathetic shoulder.  Is this proof of that age old axiom? Even now when I look back over my recent life I ask myself has my choices to step back from the lives of some been a good thing?  Sadly the hard answer is that I just don’t know.  I am unable to reach out to some, through personal reasons, or people simply growing up and moving on.  These questions will bother me for sometime.


Wolf

guy from the fucking cave.......

You ever think you’re losing it?  Not in the mental sense of the word, but in like the physical sense.  I’ve sat here in my Apt and that has been on my mind for like forever now.  Just think about it I have been single for what like a year now?   Maybe more I have no fucking clue anymore , I am really under sexed not that that is the end all to be all but it’s definitely a perk.  When all this time and factors pile in on ya it starts to wear on your mind.  You start to think if you even have what it takes to attract someone.  I’m to the point now that I have no clue if I would even be able to hold my own if I ever had sex again, that’s going to suck let me tell you.  Being in this place doesn’t help, everyone of my roommates has a girl, and on a few occasions has engaged in let’s say extra curricular activities.  I am the only person in this house who has not done this.  
This would be so easy to go through if I didn’t have people telling me, talking to me about sex and being in relationships
“ Yeah blah blah is coming back on sat, all I can think about is her”

“ Yo what time do you work, cause blah blah is coming over”

“ Yeah the sex between me and blah blah was great”

This sucks!  Honestly I need to find a damn cave and just crawl into it until I don’t care about being with someone.  I need to stay in there till I reach a state of transcendence  that I don’t care about being with people in any aspect of the word being.  I want to be known as the guy from the fucking cave were if you come at him with a sex or girlfriend question he will fucking kill you.  That long ass title that will be me from now on until I get some sex or get a girlfriend and she brings her bucket of sex with her.

wolf

Fathers Day

Sunday is fathers day.

If last year would have gone different I would be celebrating my first fathers day this year and a few days after that my child would have been a year old, the day before that would have been my then girl friends birthday, days after all this is my mothers birthday.  This month is kinda hard for me.  To many things are……..it’s hard to say.  I was talking to a friend of mine, and she has all these pictures of her boy, and there are pics of her sisters kids.  And all I could do I think Damn that would have been me.  But, its not, I don’t look down and see this small thing that would call me dad, and ask me the mysteries of the universe.  People don’t know how hard this situation was, for me.  I’ll admit I didn’t know how to react at first, like most people I was fearful could I pull this off.  Was I able to do this, and then to have it taken away from me.  All my life I’ve thought that I would die alone and to have this taken from me, it hurts.  I see kids with there families everyday at my job, and in my secret place in my heart I wonder where’s mine.  I want to yell at my kids, I want to pick them up when they get a scrape, I want to be proud when they do something great in school, or something that I would think is so small but they think is so big.  I would have loved you alex.

Happy fathers day

Mysterious Angel

As a boy you walked into my life out of the ether.  And in months you wear gone again, to me you were a mysterious angel.  Something so mythical, honestly I wondered if you even existed.  Then as a young man there you were again, and I was sent back to being that child of years before, but this time there were a few more experiences under my belt, but still no matter how much I found about you, or helped you.  You would always be my mysterious angel.  As time went on and I grew I can see that you became so much more than what my young heart wanted you to be.  You became a friend more than that you are something that I still can’t explain you are still that mysterious angel.  I never know when or how your going to leave my side but I know that when you return every time you return it’s like a breath of fresh air.  Almost as if, something had been missing from my life and now your back to make it better.  Why do we come in and out of each others lives, constantly rotating each other orbits intersecting at intervals unknown to me.  You are my mysterious angel…..


Wolf

Memory lane

Break up suck.  It’s a fact, not even a statement really.  But you know what sucks more, when the realization hits you that the person you were with has moved on.  It’s worse than a punch in the gut, to see that you are not the number one priority in said person’s life.  Ya see that’s the worse feeling, the realization that you can’t have back what was once yours.  It’s like life is holding what you once had and its right out of your reach, you can look at it, your fingers can even brush it, but you can grab it anymore you can’t hold it anymore just look at it is all you can do, and it sucks.  I have people in my life that every time I close my eyes I see them.  It doesn’t take much for my to still feel them next to me and other things like that like I said it hurts, believe me.  Most people are fortunate enough to forget or at the very least hold some small embers for the people they were with, but I get the dubious honor of virtually never forgetting.  There are a few details here and there that I don’t remember but for the most part I remember everything.  
Things that I remember

That time she asked me to kiss her ‘cause “we’ve never even kissed before how do you even know we’ll like it”
     I’m pretty sure she liked it, she would never tell me though

That time she came to my house at eight in the morning just to drop off a flower in my door with a card.

That time I woke up at six in the morning just so I could travel to her house so I could go back to sleep next to her

That time when I found out that I was going to be a dad
     The baby would have been a year old this month happy birthday Alex

That time I she broke up with me cause I wasn’t with her on new years
     That was totally my fault

That time when she told me that she was jealous of a person I was with

There are so many other things that replay over and over in my head, and there isn’t anything that I can do about them.  I even at one point thought that drinking would help, trust me it doesn’t all the drink does it let you see your fuck ups more clearly.  I hate this feeling, and now that a friend of mine is going through this I wish that I could put everything on hold and be there for her.  It hurts to know I can’t, to know that the person who did this I would have met and been able to say something about this guy, not that people listen to me, that would have helped to show him for the person who he was.  In this I almost feel like I failed as a friend, truth be told I feel like this whenever any of my friends are hurt and/or are in trouble.  I guess this is the sign of me being a good friend.  I have no clue if that’s what it means or not. I have nothing else to say that wont get me all choked up with rage at my own stupidity, so ill end this here

P.S she has a man now there’s no way I could get that back if I wanted too
WOLF

Female tat

So ive been on a tattoo design kick lately

This is my latest one it’s a female one that I was inspired to do from a friend of mine who wanted something that no one else had, and that had a heart in it. Shes a very religious person so that’s why I included the cross in the middle. I still don’t know if it should be in black and white or color, im open to any suggestions about color, but for now its black and white.

Random thoughts

These are just words.  Placed on this page by me, this is not an attempt to write what’s going on in the world around me or to comment on what’s going on in the world within me.  If people take from this some sense of camaraderie then so bet it, but these are just words.  A few minutes ago I was on my couch and I looked into myself, and I wondered, who are these people that we let into our hearts?  Why do we let them in, when we know that if they ever leave they will take a small piece of us with them?  Why do people when they leave from our lives take that piece were is it written that they are allowed to have that of us?  I have written that I feel regret is a sin, I say this to mean that to dwell on this stop us from moving on and regret is just that us dwelling on what was and what could have been.  I myself am going through this now, but why should I? do we only feel this way when there is something unresolved regarding the situation, or do we feel this way when the actually event didn’t play out as it was supposed to.  Something in the way things happened threw off the unseen machine that is our lives.  And our regret is life attempting to tell us that we need to fix things.  I honestly don’t know, for all of these years I have been under the impression that I am a person who is supposed to be alone.  My skills at helping people see there problems don’t work with me, so when I get into arguments I fall back on my old crutch of anger and push people away, so thusly I remain single.  Better able to help people for I am constantly on the outside of everyone’s relationship, and never on the inside of my own.  There was one point in my life when I was told I would die alone, of this I have no doubt.  I’m getting off track, did I have a track I don’t know if I did even that eludes me now.  I came to the realization today that we as people only have perfect vision when looking backwards, after all hindsight is twenty/twenty, we can never see far enough ahead to predict and avoid the missteps that we make sadly.  This more often than not includes the people we encounter, wouldn’t it be lovely if foresight was twenty/twenty.  I wonder is my regret my hindsight telling me that there is a person that I bypassed who would have been perfect for me.  Or did I meet the person already that I should have been with and have since let that person go to be lost to the ether for all time?  Only to be thought about in a journal that no one will ever see? We reach out to people our souls stretch out hands unseen but felt by many.  The caress that we feel has been gentle and sometimes harsh.  When we pull those souls close to our hearts why do we rage at the deconstruction of our selves when that gives way to the creation of something new something more?  Are we scared of what would happen if we just let all of our guards down, drop every façade.  Just truly be a human being.  Sorry for the inconvenience, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blogg already in progress………

wolf

The rule of three

Does the rule of 3 apply to any 3 sexual encounters? Does there have to be dating involved? Do 3 booty calls count? Does it work the same if you do it 3 times in one day?

Ever mind the Rule of Three

Three times what thou givest returns to thee

This lesson well, thou must learn

Thee only gets what thou dost earn!

The poem, Rede of the Wiccae, was written by Lady Gwen Thompson, and is not part of traditional Wiccan prose.

Ok, whats crazy is that when I and my cohorts use this term it applies to sex. I had no idea that other things/ people use it. But it all applies. Answers to above questions:

1.) Yes, the mintue you go past three sexual encounters with one person at least one person in the party will catch feelings

2.) No, casual sex is the worst way to fall into this trap. reason that after one time its no longer casual now is it? you went out of you way to hook up with this person makeing it more than just the one night stand it should have been in the first place.

3.) Yeah, cause see answer two.

4.) Yeah, reason if your with the person for that long through the day then your sleeping next to them holding them being intimate with them in a way other than that wich is sexual.

The rule of three is a powerful thing, oft time gone againts.

Any sexual encounter counts, none of this she just gave me head so its not like we had sex. Or he just gave me face so we didnt really do anything. Honestly its sad when that happens, and the people who dont return the favor are just selfish. Thats why i ask if people are selfish or not, and i explain what i mean. If they are they gets no tounge love, ha ha thats a funny term. Anyway thats the rule of three, abandon all hope ye who cross the rule

wolf