I'm Tiered

By all that is sacred in this world I’m tiered. It's not the physical kind either, that I can deal with. It's the deep down soul sick feeling that I currently have no clue of what my next step is why should I even move from this spot kind of tiered. It's Friday night and here I am in my apt typing in this blogg whining to no one in particular, but I feel like I need to tell some one so it's on here for the world at large to see. So back to my original statement, Im tiered. I mean honestly I have no girlfriend...

All the women that I’ve dealt with over the past year something has been off about them

...I don’t really want to hit the club anymore....

Not that the club up here counts as a club

I don’t even want to really go to work, but I have to so that’s not even an option. Hell I turn 26 in a lil over a week, and here I sit alone uncared for by anyone outside of my friend group. Is that the truth of this whole thing? A person once told me that I would die alone, I know that at the time anger played a big part of the person saying that, but I’ve always thought that and for the most part I still do. Now I know that some people would tell me that I have my friends so im not alone in this world, and still others would say that God loves you and is there for you so in that respect your not alone in this world. But, where is my person that looks at me and sees past all the bullshit and masks, they might be the same thing, and wants to be with me for me? I miss having a persons arms around me letting me know everything will be fine even though my whole life looks like shit. I miss being able to talk to people on the phone just because or go over their house and just sit there, and do nothing. Everything I do now, it's like it has to have a purpose I can't just do something just to do it. Well that’s not true there has been one thing that I can do just because I want to. And most, no scratch that all of my male friends would be like that the best you’re so lucky you can pick up a chic and you can take her home that night. I DONT FUCKING WANT THAT! Do they have any idea of how hollow that is, now physically yes its enjoyable im not knocking that, but I would just like to go to a place with a woman and come home with her. I know I know maybe that’s the creators way of showing me that I should look for something more substantial, and dammed if im not trying. What the hell was with me falling for a woman whose family doesn’t like black guys? What was the lesson in all that? 'cause if it was don’t date people with racist family members I got that no problem. But then to add insult to injury you have me find out that not two moths later shes moved the fuck on with some construction worker redneck mother fucker?!!!?!?!?!?

I swear the more I think about all that I would just love to be able to control time so I could walk to her home or place of business and skin her and her family alive and wear their hides for a fucking suit, I would pay a tailor to make the suit and matching shoes, cause im fairly certain you can tan human flesh, and maybe a hat to go with it. Then once it's out of my system set things straight again and everything would be cool.

Now we have this latest farce of a relationship, and for the record no it wasn't a relationship. And no I don’t think I was wrong for not calling her, she gets off work at 1 in the morning and when I have to get up at 6 for work that means ya ass ain't getting called, sorry if that makes me a jerk and you want to kill me for it. GET IN LINE. So what the fuck was up with that? 'cause I sure as hell don’t know.
Some times I think im better off by myself, but then I get pains like this one, and I know it wont be the last, but it hurts ya know? I sit here and I see my roommates go out with their girls friends and they smile and laugh and they spend time with them, and im like where’s mine. It's like that scene in Olivier twist where he's asking the guy can he have some more, and all I get is the "MOOORe!" part of the whole thing like im the dumbass for looking for some more, like I ran out of what I was allotted and there ya have it. No more for you sorry were fresh out, try back next month, and then I come back next month and their like oh yeah see the thing about that is our shipments late sooo your order isn't going to come in. And I swear that life is just giving me the big run around that’s not going to stop until im dead and then as im fading away the nurse is going to look at my chart and say Robert Peterson, I had the biggest crush on you when we were young and my last words will be "sonofabitch", and that’s what they will put on my tombstone. You know what im going to watch anime until I pass out im done with this fucking shit.........

wolf