with out happiness is to be without love

I’ve been losing sleep. To be honest I know why this is I just didn’t know what to do about it. I realize that my being alone is what’s keeping me up like this. But, the solution to this malady is figuring out what exactly I want in a companion. For some reason the answer to, what should be, a simple question eludes me. I’ve met women that make answering this question easy they want, a provider, a spiritual counter part, even some one that will give them material wealth. But, in the end they know what they want from a man and wont settle for anything less.

It would easy for me to say that I need a woman that makes me happy, but that’s the crux of the question isn’t it, what makes me happy? That’s the key really cause if I don’t know what makes me happy how can anyone else do that for me? Quite frankly as a man I have no clue of what makes me happy. There are things that I do to past the time, but is that what makes me happy?

I don’t think men ever learn what makes them happy we emulate concepts that promote instant gratification rather long term happiness. Looking back to my own recent experience I feel now that they all failed because I have no clue of what I want in a woman this is where many men fall short in their relationships.

When I think about it most women have some concept of what qualities in a man that would make them happy. Be it money, stability, or physical prowess, sexual or athleticism. Even women who chose the more superficial qualities tend to grow out of those misconceptions and seek out men whom they believe to have qualities that make them happy.

But where do we, men, stack up in all of this? Again speaking for myself I feel I am grossly behind the curve on this subject. How am I or we for that matter to find a companion if we don’t know what makes us happy? The things that I do to past the time have been viewed as childish, nerdy, or boring at best looking at those things it’s no wonder the women I have been with have been described as “little girls”. It’s no wonder that when I attempted to have a relationship with someone who I now know to have many of the qualities I want in a woman, I failed.

When do women realize that there are certain basic qualities that lead to happiness? Fact is this is something they do from an early age and even go as far as planning it out with friends. How come men are forced fed that a pretty face and a fat ass means your doing something right? Once again it comes down to instant gratification vs. long term satisfaction.

I think that men without knowing it still think as small children. At what point do we become so afraid on a mental level that we are unable to try something that could lead to our happiness, just because of how our peers would view it? Could it be that some where along the way women learn what internal questions to ask that lead to them figuring out what they want and me are left fumbling in the dark due largely to our own fears, and because of that we are left emotionally stunted.

Looking at this it’s easy to see why so many guys cheat. So consumed with the thought of instant gratification and with no fore knowledge that something more lasting could be out there, of course they hop from women to women. This by no means is to explain or act as an excuse for this sort of action, but an understanding of it can lead to the prevention of it, I believe. Honestly it’s not because of the classic excuse they like sex, rather its because being a child who refuses to grow up, they grow tiered of something considered no better than a toy, they feel as though they need a new toy to obtain the same level of happiness that they had with the old one. All of this is a direct result of men not knowing what they’re looking for in a woman.

I’m beginning to realize that for men this is not a simple question to answer. I think that like women we need to think from an early age what we want out of a relationship and out of our companions. As a gender we have proven that we can identify what about women we find physically appealing, but we neglect other aspects that make up a person out of the equation.

Do you value intelligence?
Do you want her to be athletic?
Does she want a family or is her career first in her life?
Basic question like these we leave up to fate during our relationships to show us, and in doing so most of us fall short of finding those answers. Without knowing what makes us happy there is no way that we can find someone who makes us happy. We will go through life half blind believing the things that please us during the moment are the things that last, and end up alone or stuck in a situation that is devoid of love for our lack of knowledge.

on my mind

While sitting on my floor watching tv, i realized that when i have a significant other, I've taken to many moments for granted. Lately to many small things have reminded me of times when I've been in the exact situation with a significant other. theres more to this, i just cant think of it right now. I know this situation sucks, i don't really like being alone, believe it or not. I miss havening some one next to me, but may be it's the memory of past loves that plagues me. Maybe im just finding an excuse for what i feel, maybe im just losing my mind......

thoughs 2

While sitting on my floor watching tv, i realized that when i have a significant other, I've taken to many moments for granted. Lately to many small things have reminded me of times when I've been in the exact situation with a significant other. theres more to this, i just cant think of it right now. I know this situation sucks, i don't really like being alone, believe it or not. I miss havening some one next to me, but may be it's the memory of past loves that plagues me. Maybe im just finding an excuse for what i feel, maybe im just losing my mind......

Month full of updates

Ok, its been like forever since ive posted something on here, soooooo here is a run down of whats been going on.

1. still single

2. havent had sex in like forever

3. been written up at least every other week, cept for last week.

4. my sr. assistant mngr is pregnant, i wish her all the best.

5. my assist mngr ( i work at two stores, same company) has decided to step down and reduce her hrs.

6. its time for my yearly, im getting promoted post, im working on it.

7. My Dm has said that the company is going to get rid of all dual store managers. The sr asiss could be up for a promotion.

i think thats it there could be more to come.

ookami

Hair cut

I love cutting my own hair. Every two weeks or so when I cut my hair it’s almost a bi-weekly catharsis, seeing myself in the mirror, hair falling to the floor, and at the gradual change that I make in the few minutes it takes to cut my hair. There are times that I look at myself before and after and im not the same me. Im lighter some how like the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders and by cutting my hair and giving myself this little change I allowed myself to shrug my shoulders and let the weight, like my hair, fall away. Its also times like this that I am reminded of the secret little things that i keep to me and only me. I'm always shocked at the thoughts that go through my mind and then there are times that im not shocked at all; those times scare me the most. But after the hair cut when the natural insulation that the creator has blessed me with has fallen away and any cool or warm breeze brings familiar sensations back to my head. For that time everything is as it should be.

ookami

Drunk posting=bad

Out of the many things you shouldn't do when your drunk you should never:

1.) dial someone you have feelings for.

2.) text or email that same person ( i've done both not pretty)

3.) post to your blogg

L0V3?!!??

I'm having a week, and it's only tuesday nigt. I hte when you have relavations and there is nothing you can really do about it. I noticed that i've never really been in love, you know that's not true. I dont really know what love feels like, so i could have been in love and just never really known it to tell. That could be true, how are we supposed to know if we are something if we dont know how it feels. And no you can't really say that your parents love you cause thats not really the same thing now is it? Parents love you because you came from them, they had a hand in your up bringing, its almost as if you are an investment of time and when you do good in life they can look back and say say "we did a good job". They wipe our tears and smack us on the ass when we do wrong, and its because they are our parents and they love us, but in a parental way. But, what does LOVE feel like? I mean that knock down drag out movie shit, that type of love when you want to be with some one youll journey half way across the globe show up at there wedding just for the audeince to hear " I Ross take you Rachel" type shit. Thats what i want, it's fake yeah i know, but thats what i want. People nowadays want to make sure they have all their ducks in a row before they settle down, and even when they think they do, they still break up, cheat and do everything else without the people they supposedly love. So can they really say that they are in love? I know people that while they are dateing others they have cheated on them yet they still say i love the person im with. How can that be true? Aren't relationships supposed to be like a pre-game before you figure out if you want to be with this person forever, and if they are then you dont really love that person now do you? I always thought of love as the willingness to accept the faults of the person you want to be with, and realize that there are just somethings that you can't change. Now im not saying that you should go OH well thats just them, and move on. Because when you say things like that eventually Oh well runs out, you cup get to damn full of putting up with their shit and you say fuck this i cant have a person like you in my life. But love, love make you say thats how they are and i love them for it. Great example of the differences of the two; Ike and Tina Turner, when that shit started out, she was like oh well ike just gets a little excited and just wants me to do well, later in life she was like Fuck dat shit!, example two now this is on some geek shit so go to wikkipedia and look this up, Joker and Harley Quinn, she knows joker is crazy she knows everytime he escapes from arkahm he kill 300+ people, she loves him. Yes that last one can be looked at as shes crazy, but ims tarting to see that love like being a genious rides that line of just being fucked up in the head. Love is that line that stopps you from seeing that the guy/girl with the chainsaw isn't chopping down trees like he/she said they were while you where in the kitchen bakeing cookies. Love is that light in the middle of all of our dark and stupid tendancies that people latch on to, they walk with us and all they can see is a light that we shine and can't see ourselves, i think thats what love is. When we say i am part of this craziness, and they look at us with this look at us like we shine so brightly that the whole world is so lucky to have us to light the damnable day, and just our living makes the night a little bit more bereable. I've never known love, and i dont know if i ever will. I dont know if my eyes will ever be open enough to see the light of other people i dont even know if people can say the same about me, maybe they have and they were blinded, and when their eyes adjusted all that was left was the bullshit and thier cup rannith over. I dont know anymore, i need a drink.

ookami

Interesting day

So work, was broing, but the thing that my day interesting is that was that a friend of mine told me that she thinks about marrying me?
We talked all day about this subject at one point the word soul mate came up honestly if i gave just to seconds of thought about who was my soul mate it would be her. We have had so many up's and downs through the almost decade we've known each other we could have been married divorced and remarried over again, or atleast people would have thought we were married from how we acted with each other. I remmber going to Penns Landing and just sitting, ive never done something like that with anyone else. She is the only person that i could honestly just get lost with and never worry about where we are as long its the two of us i know we would get out of it. We did that when we went to go see rent we missed the first act of the play, i could be wrong about the time we missed but we did miss time. Now i have this crazy feeling going on with my ring finger, its almost a ghost sensation like ive worn a ring there before and trust me i never have. Once again im closing my eyes and seeing her smile, going to her blogg looking at pics. Was all this afternoon real or will i wake up tomorrow and this will be just another mid summers night dream oh dear non-readers. It's nice to know someone wants to have you all to themselves, but you know what. The honest reason why i could never make myself do anything with her in our convoluted past i never thought that i lived up to what she could want , i still dont think i do.