the interbored

Ive run out of things to look at on the internet.

Thats really big. I mean the internet is a huge place and ive ran out of things that hold my interst long enough that i want to bookmark and come back to on a repeated basis. Looking back i've been on this interweb thingy since i convinced my mom that dial up sucks and she could get all her phone calls if she just broke down and got a cable modem, that was a fun day by the way. I must have looked at tons of things just cause i could. To be honest if i had my own room i would have more than likely spiraled into the malstrum that is internet porn months ago, just cause it's there and i really can't look at it with my pc being in our living room and all. i could see it now with my new found ability to down load anything that i wish through the glory that are torrents i would have literaly weeks worth of the stuff just to watch, not even to do all the things that are usually associated with internet porn. I do have my anime, but even thats hit or miss i just dont feel like sitting here and watching hrs and hrs of the stuff when its not my day off. And then i only really watch the things that i get on a weekly basis. Eh, im so bored with this thing right now that im just going to end it here...................

Regret

This is one of thoes things that i have to put down before it passes and it gets shoved under the rug that covers most of my emotions. I think regret is a sin. Now just allow me to speak for a sec before you tear into me with the crazy zeal of a rabid animal, it's not one of the big written on a stone tablet sins but for me it is one all the same. See i have a real problem when it comes down to things that i regret, im seeing lately that i only feel this way for two occasions lately. One i can't talk about becuse the parties involved would hate me if this knowledge came out, and the second one cause what went down in the first thing i never learned my lesson and did again.
Yeah i know very vague
But lately its the second thing thats tapping the ole heart strings, i hate thoes strings by the way. I shouldn't feel like this more importantly why do i feel like this. I would love it to be the whole im just being a big kid about all this and dont want anybody playing with my toys so im trying to go back in the house with them, but heres the thing; if i can stretch the analogy any further. I brought said toy my money my time my sweat then i go and act like i dont care for the thing and leave it outside now other kida are playing with it. Damn when i look at it that way i am just being a big baby. But the circumstanses behind the whole thing is really the root of the whole thing. Its not so much the time i spent with it, as its the reason why i stopped playing with it in the first place.
Hindsight is 20/20
That statement is true, but what they dont tell you is that foresight is more blind than Ray charles in the fucking dark wearing a black bag on his head. I would love to beable to go back and make everything better go back to a younger me not going to say how young but a past version of myself none the less, and say hey dont do this. But i can't, now to add insult to injury her i want my ball back but my hands are full. Can't really pick up my ball to take it back in the house now can i? And if i do empty my hands aren't i just repeating the cycle?
Life is based on the rule of equivalent exchange: to gain anything an equal measure of something else must be given up in return
So now im stuck, or am i? Are the things in my hands mine? can i give them back, just as easily as i got them? But then what just to pick up something i cast aside so casually? If this cycle continues there can be no growth, its a proven fact that in the presense of stagnation there is no growth its impossible. But we had fun with that ball, my small inner voice tells me, we can have fun with this ball, another small voice says. neither are wrong but who is more right? I feel you all looking at me and saying damn man stopping wantting your cake and trying to eat it too, you can only have one thing do that be happy and be done with it. And your right i know you are but there is this small nagging niggling thing in the pit of my being that says you fucked up the first time make this right payback your pound of flesh that you borrowed when you left this thing and make everything square. But all that goes back to the first thing, that i can never make right. How can i make that right its been forever since all that people have moved on and have forgotten about the whole thing i have become a footnote not even to be metioned to thier children, but i can't forget. I have never been able to i've tried, ive done everything except illegal narcotics to try and forget that wich i did as a child but i cant im not allowed to i dont think. Something happend with the second thing another thing i can't forget, inside when ever i think about it i break down. I think about it and im so small, not this man that would put the problems of his whole family on his back, it pains me to think about this.....................
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i hate regret its a small part of me that lets me know that i doubt my actions. It lets me know that i didnt think things through i just acted things sounded right at the time and i went with that, i want this to go away, but it wont, ill get up tomorrow and ill act like everything is fine and nothing is wrong but it wont be thats why this is here so when i look back I can see how stupid i was and remind myself.........